Hey there Guys,
Today I wanted to talk about an experience I had on my Facebook wall just this week.
Currently in Australia there is a lot of controversy about a coffee chain, Gloria Jean’s, that has been connected with a number of fundamentalist churches with homophobic aims. I posted an image that highlighted this and urged people to consider purchasing coffee from their local coffee merchant rather then this franchised, homophobic slop.
People were commenting in a usual manner when I then saw the following post:
Wait though, it gets better, just a few more comments down…
Well that was it, I was angry, thus the appalling spelling in this terse reply.
Of course not all racism is quite as overt. Within the gay world racism is rampant; simply logging into any of the gay pickup apps or sites and you can see many many displays of overt racist behavour. Sites like “Stop Racism & Internalised Homophobia” feature page after page of racist profiles thinly veiled as “just a sexual preference, no offence”.
While many gay men can understand that being called a “fucking faggot cunt” by a drunk is a form of bigotry, not all are able to understand that phrases like “no rice or spice”, as depicted above, is just as hurtful.
As described at Sexual Racism Sux, this has developed as people work to narrow in their field of potential “meets” on these services:
Personal profile services like Gaydar encourage people to be specific, so guys write things like “No Fats, Fems or GAMs” or “Not into hairy guys or GBMs, no offence” or “No whites, sorry!” in their profile. We write these things to help increase the number of contacts we want and decrease the number that we don’t.
What we don’t think about is how it feels for other men to read them. Imagine how it feels to read ad after ad that excludes you based solely on your race. Imagine for a moment, that you were in a minority in the country you were born in and kept reading apparently endless profiles saying you weren’t desirable. It just might ruin your day, mightn’t it? Do you really want to help make other men feel bad about themselves?
But there’s an alternative to this grumpy, negative kind of speech that just makes everyone feel sad and diminished. If we simply make positive, inclusive statements in our profiles, tell people what we do like, and deal politely with people who don’t turn us on, we’ve made a positive change. Try talking about the characteristics you’re into, not about the person’s race.
Some suggested ideas they have made include:
| Before | After |
|---|---|
| “Not into hairy guys or GBMs, no offence” | “Really prefer guys with smooth, pale skin” |
| “No whites, sorry!” | “More comfortable with other black guys” |
| “No Fats, Fems or GAMs” | “Looking for slim, fit, masculine guys. Usually prefer men of [caucasian, latino, black] background” (although perhaps this guy should just get out more) |
Guys, it’s time we all took the time to think about what we say not just to each other but also to ourselves. Consider carefully the words placed into online profiles and social networks. They usually say much more about the author rather then the intended audience.
Yours in good health.
Dr George
Great posts Dr George,
As gay men who have usually suffered some sort of discrimination growing up or in living our day to day lives, you think that we of all people would be a little more understanding of difference.
I’ve had more than one “discussion” on line pointing out to guys that some things in their profile are truely offensive, but am yet to change any ones mind. I usually get responses like “Its a free world, I can write what ever I like” to “Im not racist” (just stupid it seems!)
We should speak up. If you see a profile that is the pits, send him a message and point out how hurtful it could be to a fellow gay. If you are with mates and someone says something racist, say “Its 2012, what decade are you living in?” That one works pretty well.
Lets look after each other and stop being dumb c@nts.
Things aren’t going to change. You just have to grow a thick skin and get over it. Sure it would be lovely if guys stopped being mean and rude to each other, but then it would also be lovely to have world peace and live in a utopian society. My suggestion would be, if you don’t like a comment, either delete it, or ignore it and move on.
Richard, asking the people to “toughen up”, and “grow a thicker skin” is putting the blame onto the victim. That they are not strong enough to deal with the deluge of abuse they cop on a daily basis.
It is next to impossible to switch on a single gay app without seeing some form of racism.
I agree that racism is a huge problem but that does not mean we are not able to all work on eliminating it.
We can all help by calling people out for their racist statements. Doing nothing only allows the evil to perpetuate.
Richard, The idea that the job is too hard, so give up is exactly why the LGBTI community is still fighting for equal rights despite the fact we’ve been part of civilisation since the dawn of time. The simple proverb, “Aim for nothing and you’ll hit it” applies to rights and racism equally. The fact is, people are less racist and less homophobic than they used to be, and if we keep aiming for, and expecting, the best from each other, then we will continue to improve. Hats off to Dr George for being part of this slow struggle upward and reminding us that there are always positive ways to say what you mean that make other people’s lives happier, or at least less hurtful and disappointing.
Thank u Dr.for ur comments…try being a bi -racial,hiv+ older bear…then it gets really interesting.
Wow, I don’t think I would even bother switching on any of the apps to be honest. If I see one more fucking profile that says “D&D free, U B 2″ I will fucking vomit a spleen.
I love you Dr George!